This is Your plan for me?

I haven't written about baby Cooper's arrival yet because it was a little chaotic. When the baby was born the other three children decided to pass the stomach bug around to each other. My poor husband would have to leave me at the hospital in Bossier, drive to south Shreveport to check on the baby, then drive to mid Shreveport to check on the sick kids at home. It was crazy. Anyway, I realized I haven't really shared his little birth story so let me start at the beginning....

Stephen Ryan was born on March 29th. He had to be delivered two weeks early because I started developing pre-eclampsia. Now two weeks early really isn't early. He was considered full-term and everybody thought he should be fine. Turns out when he got here he was having some "labored breathing," and they decided he needed to be transferred to the NICU which was completely across town from me. They wheeled him into my room right before they took him to the ambulance. I got to see my precious baby boy for almost ten minutes. He was (and still is) perfect to me. Those little fingers wrapped around my finger, and I promise his breathing slightly eased. He even looked peaceful while holding tight to my finger. Soon they came to wheel him back out and just like that he was away from me. It would be two days in the hospital for me before I could see him again. The whole time I was praying for them not to intubate him because in my mind I thought if they did that then it would be at least two weeks before he was home. I finally got to get out of the hospital. (The doctor let me out a little early because she walked in just as I was having a complete pity party and I think she joined in on the party train.) Daddy, Zach, and I drove over to the other hospital in a terrible storm. I mean it was awful. We could not see two feet in front of us. I thought daddy was going to have to pull over, but he kept driving because he wanted to get me there as bad as I wanted to be there. It was hailing and wind gust were rocking the car. When we finally made it,  I walked in to see my baby and my heart broke. I was filled with excitement until I laid my eyes on my precious baby. He was laying there in only a diaper with tubes coming from his nose and his whole entire chest was caving in with each breath he took. It looked like so much work. I felt weak because for two days I had been praying that they wouldn't intubate him because I wanted him home with me. Two whole days of breaths that made his stomach look like a crushed can. I looked at Zach and wanted so bad for him to tell me that it didn't hurt our baby. That it didn't wear him out to simply take a breath. When I looked at Zachary, I saw a daddy that would've done anything to take a breath for that baby. There he stood completely helpless just as I was completely and utterly helpless. I quickly told the nurse to let the doctor know that I wanted my baby comfortable. Please, please let him get some rest.  Anybody that has ever had the experience of a trip to the Nicu will tell you that every procedure or task takes a whole 24 hours and a set back can cost you two more days. It can be exhausting.  He spent 9 days in the hospital before Zach decided enough was enough and they were giving us our child!  (That was a little less time than our other three babies which was wonderful!)

 Before Stephen was born, I prayed so earnestly that I would get to hold my baby on the day he was born. That I would have that experience of skin to skin in the hospital room. (By the way, you will not believe how annoying those posters are that tell you the benefits of skin to skin. The only thing I was skin to skin with was the breast pump, and every time I turned around on every pamplet and every hallway and every door there was a picture of this woman holding her baby next to her with bold letters about the importance of bonding with your child. Look, I would love to be skin to skin with my baby you moron, but they won't let me. I can't even touch his brow too much because it might excite him. So just take your little poster and......) I wanted to nurse my baby without ever needing a pump. I wanted Zach to change the first diaper. I wanted Zach to walk out with him like every proud daddy should get to do.  I wanted that memory. I've wanted that since I was a young girl, but that wasn't in the cards for me. What is amazing is I don't really feel slighted. The experiences I've had are my memories. The tears shed over an open bed. The sound of monitors beeping while I examine every long finger and the point of every nose.   Washing pump parts every three hours around the clock. Those are my memories. I met each one of my babies for the first time while they were as sick as they've ever been. I've changed diapers with Nicu nurses looking over my shoulder. I've waited patiently for the nurse to ask me if I want to hold my baby. Those are my memories and
I'm so incredibly thankful that in three other bedrooms of this house I have four beautiful healthy babies sound asleep. They are getting all rested up for a day of playing with toys, changing diapers, kisses and hugs, fights and spilled messes. That is to say this mommy probably better get some sleep too.

Count your blessings my devoted readers. Your blessing may not look like what you had planned and may not look like everyone else's, but they are apart of your special journey.

Stronger

About five minutes after leaving a wonderful worship service and feeling all "filled" up, I found myself at a red light in ole Busty the van (Lee named our van  Buster because it is so busted up...) dealing with craziness! I was yelling at Lee for ruining his brand new white Polo shirt by coloring on it with a hot pink sharpie.  (I was so excited when I bought those stupid neon Sharpies and nothing good has come from them. Nothing. Not one good thing...) Kate was in the back of Busty crying because Wade had her paper from Sunday School. It was a plain white piece of computer paper with a few purple scribbles on it, but to her it was an autographed copy of O magazine. (I don't know why I chose O Magazine except that if Oprah had signed it then it would be worth a whole bunch. Right?) Well, anyway Wade had her paper and she was screaming her head off. Wade was sitting across from her and basically taunting her, waving the paper around in flag like motion. Wade was mad because he didn't get to explore the new church enough. I would've  stayed longer at church but when I caught Wade climbing the window panes like they were a ladder, I decided it was time to go. Therefor Wade was mad at all of us, and the only one he could reach, mentally and physically, was Kate. He also started pinching her so I took a break from yelling at Lee about his white shirt to yell at Wade about being just down right mean to his sister. At this moment in my life, I was yelling, Lee was crying because he was convinced it was actually Wade's fought that he got the sharpie out and drew on himself. (Ummmm, no son.) Kate was crying because she was being attacked in the backseat, Wade was crying because he hated all of us for existing, and Baby Stephen was......(Well, baby was happy to be with us. What must he think of his life! I WAS wondering why he wasn't crying because it was time for him to nurse.)I turned the music back up on my radio to drown out the madness when I heard Mandisa singing "Stronger." I had to smile because it is amazing to me how just when I think life is crazy and I can't do it, God shows me that these little moment are only one small piece of a much larger puzzle. That if I just continue on one day we will look back and smile. I just hope and pray my children remember me smiling and not completely losing it at red lights! Here are the lyrics to the chorus of the song that brought me back to reality and here are some scriptures that have been on my mind lately:


Stronger

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me,
This is gonna make you stronger, stronger


Luke 6:46-49
"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show 
you what he is like who 
comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like 
a man building a house,
 who dug down deep and laid his foundation on rock. When a flood came,
 the torrent struck that 
house but could not shake it, because it was well built." 

Luke 12:32
"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give 
you the kingdom."

It's time to start over with a new one.....

Well guys, I have about nine days before my last little one joins us. Nine days of being pregnant for the last time. Nine days of worrying about the unseen in my tummy. Nine days of hoping for the future of my baby. (Well, wait I have the rest of my life for hoping for the future of all my children, so that one doesn't count.) Nine days of only having three kids to chase around. Nine days. (And let's be honest, it will be nine days if I take it easy and stop trying to do it all.) This has my mind racing a little bit. Zach and I have several huge changes coming for us in the next 3 months. Some that are very exciting and some that leave us feeling anxious and praying earnestly that we are making the right decisions for our family. The one thing that I have no mixed emotions about is laying my eyes on this baby, holding him in my arms, and knowing that in all my life this is one of the four greatest blessings I have ever been given. I am going to share with you some of the things flowing through my mind because of there only being nine days before we ALL meet this little one.


First of all, I'm thinking about my three beautiful babies that I already have with me.

Lee Bradford Cooper was my first baby. My first time of understanding that I didn't really understand being a mother at all. He is the oldest and because of that I feel like I always push him a little too hard to move to the next stage, to do what is next on the list of life's to do list. He is exactly like his daddy, which I love. He does have a temper and will let you know when he thinks something is ridiculous. (Zachary Cooper) However, he is probably the most tender-hearted little guy that I know. (Zach again.) He is always wanting to figure out how something works, or pretending to work at a power plant, or working in the storage building to rid it of all the "traps." He is a thinker, a contemplator, and cares greatly about what everybody else is doing and if he can "help." He has handled being a big brother to twins wonderfully, which is no easy assignment.  He can not wait to meet the baby and says that he loves him already. However, he does hope he will be better and quieter than Kate and Wade. (Uh-oh!) I love everything about him, and hope that I can steer all that curiosity and sheer determination in the right direction. 

Lauren Kate Cooper is my little angel. My only little girl in this house full of boys. She is all the girl I could've asked for. She loves everything pink, shiny, and girly. She loves her daddy and thinks he hung the moon. (And that feeling is pretty mutual.) She likes to know exactly where I am and what I'm doing. She can mostly be found under my feet or playing with babies and purses. She loves pretty dresses and doesn't at all like it when I dress her in "Wade's clothes." Kate has no problem letting us know when she is upset about something. We can "hear" all about it. Which brings me to the fact that she is by far the loudest little girl I have ever been around. (I know she gets that honest but let's not discuss that.) She absolutely loves both of her brothers and Jakey boy, and she will report on any behavior that should not be being committed. Which the boys just love. (sarcasm) I look forward to being friends with her one day. I look forward to her future whatever that may hold for her. Until that time, I look forward to experiencing all the fun things about being a girl with her and trying my hardest to teach her to  know that she is beautiful and worthy of all the good this world has to offer. 

Wade Harmon Cooper is the character of the group. He has the most confidence of the three kids. He lives life the way he wants to. He is sweet and loving, but he is going to do what he wants to do and is perfectly fine with you not doing it with him. He has had stitches and a cracked skull. He opens locked gates and front doors. He roams down driveways and through ditches. He lives life on the wild side, but not because he is trying to be bad only because this world is such a fun place to be. Life is fun for Wade. He also likes to give kisses and loves to snuggle with his mama. In fact, he really likes being the baby of the group. (Uh-oh!) He likes to dance with Kate, and he thinks Lee Cooper is really funny. He is amazingly smart but is a man of very few words. He only says what must be said, and I shouldn't waste his time trying to get him to say other things. He is definitely a little tornado and can destroy anything he touches.  I love that he has confidence. I love that he has his own little special personality. I love that Zach and I will catch ourselves just shaking our heads at him because he is up to something. I hope and pray that I can help him live up to his potential and always encourage the strengths of his personality and never stifle his confidence. 

The other thing running through my mind are the men in my life that this next little one is going to be named after. 

The baby of the group is going to be named Stephen Ryan, after the two most important men in my life, my daddy and my husband.  I have been very blessed in my life with men that are stable and strong enough for me to lean on. Growing up I had a daddy that loved my mama, loved my sister and me, and made stands in his life even when it wasn't popular or easy. He has always challenged me to be a better person. Sometimes he knows that he is challenging us. Growing up he would ask Sister and I questions, just to get us to debate each other or him. He has also challenged me at times when he didn't even know he was. Because I have always felt he was absolutely the best, I never wanted to disappoint him, so I was always challenged to make choices in my life based on the things he stood for in his life. My daddy has always challenged me in my faith, to know why I believe something or to not be afraid to question things and then dive in the Bible to see if I can find the answers that make sense.  He has taught me to stand up for things I believe in without criticizing or judging others for what they believe in. He has always been the voice of reason to his girls when, at times, we can be slightly dramatic. I have also never had to experience a time in my life that I felt I had no one because no matter how old I get or how big my problems can be, he is always there for me. Baby Stephen will get his middle name from his daddy, Zachary Ryan. Zach has been in my life since I was seventeen years old. We started out friends and grew to be much more. (Well, obviously!) In high school, I liked Zach because he seemed different to me than all the other boys. He was quiet but funny. He was mature but careless. He was smart but sincere. He joined the Marine Corps right after graduation, and I was proud of him for his willingness to serve and his courage. He went to war twice and I was proud of his bravery. He came home and continued to challenge himself in school and never accept that he wasn't capable of doing anything. He continues to ask himself if there is more he can be doing to serve others. He is an awesome daddy and is always challenging himself to try to provide more for our kids. Most of all he loves me with all of his heart. He has since I was a "baby," and I love him whole heartedly. 

So as I look into the near future and realize our life is about to drastically change again, I am reminded that no matter how scary it can be or how much I worry I will have a baby that I love for just being him and that he will have men in his life to help guide him through every twist and turn. The little one has his whole life in front of him and I'm so excited that I get to share it with him. 

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah 1:5

So this is Christmas??!!

This time of year can be such a crazy time! I'm always so excited about Christmas morning (probably more than my children) but getting there just about kills me. This year Lee Cooper wants a drum set. (He has actually wanted one for two years now, but so far Santa has come up with better ideas. This year I'm afraid Santa has been dumb.) If he happens to get a drum set for Christmas, seeing the smile on his face will make all the bangs and clangs worth it for this pregnant mommy.(hopefully!) I've been thinking about Christmas, and how wrapped up I get in the giving of Christmas, the traditions of Christmas, and making sure we get to as many family gatherings as we can with great big happy smiles on all of our faces. All of this stress and worry causes me to be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. (Look, I know you just rolled your eyes and you think you know where this is going before I've even finished, but just hear me out.) I know that is a slightly cliché thing to say, but for me it is real. As real as it gets. I'm told that as long as I have faith the size of a mustard seed, I can move mountains. This is one of my favorite verses of the Bible, and one I repeat often to myself because I'm a somewhat analytical person. (I guess I get that from my daddy.) On some days I have the faith that if I leaped off the mountain, I would soar on eagles wings, and then there are days when I have faith the size of a grain of sand. This is probably because I tend to be a worrier. I worry about our finances, and if Zach and I will ever be able to meet our financial goals. I worry about my children becoming productive members of society. I worry about my husband's health and that I will hopefully never face a day without the security of him by my side. Saying that I like logics and saying I'm a Christian is very contradictory. Let's face it, logic tells us not to believe in a virgin birth, or that the child of this virgin would grow up to preach and teach. That He would heal the blind and make the lame walk or turn water into wine. Logics say there is no way an innocent man would go pray in a garden and wait for people to come and arrest Him w/ no guilt of any crime, to stand trial with no defense, to watch His closest friends turn their backs on Him. That the spotless lamb would hang on a tree when he had the power to call 10,000 angels to rescue Him, to die for me and the many generations that came before me and after me, that He would be seen again on earth for some days only to ascend into heaven. That it is His desire to take me there with Him one day. None of these things seem logical. None of them make sense, but for me they are as real as my husbands love for me, my love for my children, or my childhood memories. Even on my weakest day, where my faith wavers on so many levels, these truths are still apart of me. Even when I hold my hands up and ask why, I know that someone is there listening to my agony and loving me in spite of it. My Jesus. My Savior. One day, I'll  spend His birthday with Him. I'll dance and sing for Him. I won't have to feel so weak, but until those days let me thank Him for being that beautiful gift of a Savior! Let me thank Him for his love for me, and for the many gifts I have in this life.


Matthew 17:20
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."


Luke 2:9-14
And behold an angel of the Lord stood before them and the glory of the Lord shone around them and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them. "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

      "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!"

Who has time for this????

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

I love my van. I really do. It has room for everybody.  It has doors that open by the touch of a button.(Fancy!) It has a lot of cup holders, and it has a dvd player that makes my life sooo nice. You can judge me if you want for letting my kids watch movies in the van. I don't mind. I understand that it would be better for them to look at the beautiful trees and discuss the leaves changing and falling to the ground or for them to be playing wonderful car games and singing to the top of their lungs. That would absolutely be ideal, but I'm doing good to get them all in the car without cutting their heads off.  I figure a movie isn't hurting them. In other words, yes it is because I'm lazy, and by the time I get behind the wheel, I'm tired. (And truth be told I still answer a thousand questions about the trees and clouds and birds and grass and roads and trucks and truck drivers and hand me this mama and where is my this mama sooooo I don't care if you judge me for letting my children watch Cinderella.) When we picked out our van, I was pregnant with the twins, and we were thinking about carseats to hold all of our babies. We didn't have the money to buy a new van, so we got a very nice van that had some miles on it. (A lot of miles actually!) I figured with me being married to the boy that can fix everything, we could make this van last through med school and well into residency. (Let me clear my throat.)

The first thing that has happened to my van is my wonderful husband decided I needed some connector device hooked up to the radio, so I could listen to music from my I Pod. Isn't he sweet? So thoughtful. Now, that was fine with me because like I said he is a master at knowing how things work, and I trust his decisions. (UH EM!) In the process of hooking said little connector device to the radio, something happened. I'm still not really sure what even though he has explained it to me several times. (Let's be honest. I don't care what happened. I just want it to not happen!) Anyway, the cd player will not work, and the dvd player is broken. Yep broken! Now, he says he can fix this, and I have full confidence in him that he will be able to fix it, but it hasn't happened yet. We have been on two trips in the wonderful van with no dvd player......one all the way to Knoxville, TN and back. Then we traveled with five children to Asheville, NC and back. We survived, but there were definitely times that I exchanged glances with Mr. Cooper and told him with my eyes that a dvd player sure would be nice right about now!

Another problem with the van is the engine has had a coolant leak or something to that effect. I discovered the seriousness of this when Mama and I were on our way back to Eudora from G'ville one day. I swear we thought there was a rat in the glove box because we kept hearing it knock around in the dash. You can imagine the fear that was in the van in those moments, but we made it to Eudora with no sighting of the mouse. I dropped mama off and headed back to Shreveport. I decided to give Z a call on my way home. I was telling him all about the weekend. "Mama and I did this and then we laughed about that and then we thought there was a rat in the glove box. Haha! It was so funny, Zach." His responses to me consisted of "uh huh," "yep," "oh yeah. That is funny." After talking for about 15 mins, I glanced down at my gages and realized we were hot. I mean really hot. I told Zach, and let's just say that he convinced me I should probably check my gages a little more than I do. I did what most girls would've done in my position. Told Zach that I would handle it, and quickly called my daddy. (For future reference girls, if you hear a knocking sound,  CHECK YOUR GAGES! DO NOT ASSUME IT IS A MOUSE!) Tisdale came to my rescue! He bought coolant, filled the little thing up, and showed me how to do it if I was ever in this position again. (It should be noted that he did not make me feel stupid. Thank you DADDY. uh em!)

Okay, so this brings us to the current problems with the van. It blows smoke like a freight train. I mean seriously, it is a sight. It also sounds funny. Zach has decided that it has a blown gasket, which is a big deal apparently. It kept my Z up all night one night wondering what we were going to do. He walked through our room about 2:00 in the morning, and said he couldn't sleep because he was worried about the van. I was as sympathetic as I could be for someone that was sound asleep. He also explained to me about pistons and up and down and oil and water. I really did try to listen with the intent to learn. The nest day, Zachary Ryan talked to a mechanic and there is apparently some bottle of something that we can pour down in there somewhere and it will stop a leak. He is going to try that before taking it to a real mechanic. (Uh em!)

This brings me to this morning. Oh this morning. Zach has an interview in Dallas today, so of course he isn't home. Nor, do I want to call him because you know he is busy making decisions about our future. I slept with all 3 babies last night. Wait. Scratch that. Let's make it all four babies because this pregnancy is getting REAL! We woke up this morning, and of course Lee doesn't want to go to school.  That is like pulling teeth. I hear things from him like, "I'm dying." Um no you are not Lee. "I wish I had your life mama." Oh yeah, Lee. Sure you do. "But I just want to spend time with my Kate and Wade." hahaha that is a funny one. I got all the kids dressed with breakfast in their hands and loaded in the car. Turned the key. Click click click. NOOOOO! The battery was dead. Zach had already decided that it would be safe for me to drive Lee to school and then come straight back home. I was so mad at my silly silly van. (I would say stupid van but I know that isn't nice so I'm trying to be respectful.) So now, here I sit with all of my children. 

There is no point to this story, and it is much longer than I planned on it being, but we could just call this a little rant. Sorry if it was a boring one. The children do not seem to sympathize with their mama too much. 

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30